Below are the 11 most recent journal entries recorded in natterjack72's LiveJournal:

Wednesday, January 5th, 2005
10:23 pm	Welcome to my truth - Anastacia has a lot to answer for! Firstly........... Happy Birthday Mat! So what's the latest with me then............. Ummmmmm, should I really say? I could get myself into trouble here. I'm still finding things a little hard for me to get my head around on the personal front. But I am sure I will sort it all out. I just need to have a little conversation with someone I am rather fond of. But I have to sort this mess out. You all know I have had deeper feelings start with this guy I have been mentioning for the past few months..... But I do realise that it has to end. Not just because of him leaving, but now the lecturer (well ex one) wants to put more effort into our on off relationship.... I was doing so well without him being on the scene as well. I must admit I was rather proud of myself. I really thought I had got over him and moved on.......... well I know I moved on. But maybe I do have stronger feelings for him than even I realised. But he does have to buckle up his ideas if he wants to keep me. I will take no more trouble off him. All or nothing! I still don't want to hurt anyone.... and I know I really should speak to the young one... but it's not that easy. I don't want to use electronic means.......... I've tried writing him a letter (but I am finding it difficult to write how I have felt about him) and telling him in person is even harder. This isn't easy! I am so confused. But then I know I have to give this last chance to the lecturer else I will never know for sure how he feels about me. But it is his last chance! Current Mood: calm Current Music: Anastacia - Welcome to my truth (Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
5:51 pm	Caught between the devil and the deep blue sea! I'm going to try and keep this short and sweet. I am caught between the devil and the deep blue sea and I don't know what to do. Can you help who you have feelings for? Can you have feelings for more than one person? Even though the feelings are quite different, I also know I don't want to hurt either of them. But I want to be happy too! I am at present feeling shock to my emotions and I really just want to be left alone to let themselves be sorted out, or I can make a decision. I also wish I could talk a little more to my female mates in privacy without judgement, but that is getting even more difficult. What do I do? Current Mood: shocked Current Music: Celine Dion - Because you loved me (Comment on this)
Monday, December 20th, 2004
11:55 pm	I feel like hitting my head against a brick wall! Hiya, Someone told me a rumour that it was Christmas....... and all I feel like saying is "bah humbug". Lol. Tempting, but I don't quite feel like being that negative. I'm just getting the usual singleton Christmas blues. It's not that I am completely single......... as you all know. But I don't know what I am... again! Still seeing the same guy, I didn't get in touch with the RAF bloke and today an old flame phoned me up, wanting me to go and see him. It's over a year since we broke up (because he was a serial cheater), and of course he has left me angry again. Why? Because I know what he is after and all I really want is to be friends with him and they don't mix! Don't get me wrong, I really do have some fond memories of him. But I also have some bad memories of my broken heart. I just don't want to risk getting hurt by him again and again and again. It took enough courage for me to walk out on him last year and not look back or get in touch. But I did it and I feel proud that I did. It's not as if it's because I didn't love him......... because I did! I just realised that I valued myself more than I had ever done before and I wanted more out of a relationship with him. Which I knew I would never get! Perhaps I should go and see him and tell him straight how I felt and how I feel now. Instead of writing him letters (which in most cases, I never send). Basically I know what I want from a relationship with him.......... and realistically with any future partner. All or nothing! I know I am a fine one to talk. I'm doing exactly the same now with this young bloke, as I did with my ex... the lecturer. I am being kept hidden away and wondering if they feel ashamed of me. Since I have nothing to be ashamed about. Yeah Ok, things are difficult. But I do have feelings, I just don't always show them or speak about them. Again, I never told my ex how I felt the same as I am not telling this young man how I feel. Sometimes I wish they would all leave me alone. My problem is though, I love being naughty and having fun. But until I settle down again, I can't see why I shouldn't! The lecturer (not that he is one anymore) knows how I tick, knows me inside out in fact. But that can be a bad thing too. He doesn't quite know how angry he can make me however. Maybe I should come straight with him, maybe I should do the same with this young one too. I know I can't choose and I don't want to hurt either of them. One is leaving and the other is a nightmare! One I am falling in love with slowly and the other is someone I used to be in love with. Perhaps I should ask them how they feel about me? Somehow I feel unable to do that with the young one though. I still don't think it would be fair on him! If only he was gone now (not that I want him to go.......... I just can't tell him that I wish he was staying). As for the funny thing. Back in the year 2000, when I first started seeing this lecturer. I decided that if I was still seeing him in 2004, I would propose to him as it's a leap year. That's a good reason to wait until 2005, so I don't get tempted to ask him. Not that he would say yes! To be honest, I think he is too messed up for anything. Lol, he is worse than me........... and that's saying something! Anyway, I will leave it there for now. I wish you all a Merry Christmas Natterjack Current Mood: stressed (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 7th, 2004
12:48 am	The offers are still around! Wow, Was at a works christmas party last night...... and I got chatted up by a nice man in uniform. (Not that he was wearing it at the time) :-( Ummmmm he is in the RAF working with the paramedics.. and also sounded like Hugh Grant.............. Yummmmmmmmmmmmm! Lol. I tried escaping him, but he perservered and ended up walking me home. Even though this slowed me down and I ended up only having 4 hours sleep until I had to wake up and be at work the following morning. I don't know how I feel about the attention I received off him.. yet I do appreciate the compliment. It didn't help however, when I was feeling annoyed and disappointed (and still am) with the same guy I have mentioned in the recent past. All because he has upset me over breaking a promise of buying me drinks in leui of returning the cash I leant him to go to the party last night. My patience does have limits! In fact, I refused to even talk to him at work today, unless I had to for works sake............. and I was still nice and helpful to my customers.. even my work colleagues. But I must admit that I have been a little close to tears today, so I was relieved when I finished work and could get away from him. Not that it got much better when I did finish. My mood has been the same all day in fact............. basically P***ed off! Do I dump him? Damn, I can't decide.. it's getting to the cruncher when I need to know how he feels about me. Yet I am too afraid to ask him. It's not as if I expect anything from him in the future.. But I would like him to not want me to see this guy again, etc etc.. You know, have a little feeling about me. Care that he has hurt me and to at least apologise for not even buying me even one drink. Humph, I am broke too! How hard is it for him to even say sorry? Of course I am a little worried about what is being said about me at work, as he gets to hear it all. Yeah, ok I kissed this RAF bloke. But when I am asked a question like, am I married or have a boyfriend and feel like I am being set up by my fellow work colleagues............. how can I answer that, in fear that it is a set up? What is this relationship I am having? Ok, I am too tired now. So I am going to bed! I will try to inform you of any updates to this saga soon. I do see that me being seen with another man, can disillusion these people that nothing is going on between ummmmmmmmmmmmmm sexy young thing than actually is the case. But of course, last night could have been the last straw and he got jealous and of course now I fear he isn't talking to me as he has done in the past. Anyway, good night for now. Current Mood: With a certain man! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 30th, 2004
9:41 pm	Yep, I am there again! Hiya all, Ok, what have I been up to? Lol, well I have got my provisional driving license back (at last) and God my piccie is bad! Hehe And as for that guy I mentioned in my last but one post. Well, it's the same old story. He still hasn't moved and I don't know for sure how I am feeling about it! Part of me wants him to go, so I can pick myself up again and move on (for the better this time), and another part of me wants him to stay. But I can't be selfish! So I am trying to play things cool. He has no idea that I am growing fonder and fonder for him. Ok, perhaps I am falling in love with him. I am not too sure, but it certainly feels that way. All I can say, is over time my feelings are getting deeper. For a few months now, I have felt that I should end this relationship for my own sake. But I know I can't! Perhaps I am weak, I do not know. So why am I keeping it going? 1) I enjoy spending what time I get with him 2) I can relax around him, yet he makes me feel shy and wonderful at the same time 3) The more I see him, the more I want him 4) I don't want anyone else. I haven't even looked... not really! God, I think I may even cry when I find out his home has sold and also when he leaves. How the hell am I going to cope with his excitement out of getting out of this hell hole? I have no idea! My reasons for wanting to end it? 1) Because I know I will be upset when he leaves 2) Because I am frightened to be rejected, so surely it is better to reject them first... (Not that I do that) 3) Because I know I am falling in love with him............. when I know I shouldn't! So what can I do? Absolutely nothing! All I can do, is to enjoy the moments and learn to deal with it the moment that it is required. Hell, even I know I shall move on............... I will remember what I have learned about myself on this journey and the qualities I look for in a man. And this has developed over time! :-) I dare not even hope, that this time my dreams could come true. As I try to be a realist! Natterjack Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: Anastasia - Welcome to my truth (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 15th, 2004
8:35 pm	What do you reckon? Hi all, again I have had to do a system restore on my PC and lost my details... Lol. But here I am again :-) Well I have finally got my fingers out and after approximately 4 and a half years, I have sent my photo and application form to the DVLA for the return of my provisional drivers licence. I have been meaning to do it for years now... But I always either couldn't find my details or the form they sent me... let alone get a photograph done. Hehe.... or just plain lazy! Maybe I will even get around to taking driving lessons.... you never know! I see it as providing me with some of the abilities that I want to achieve... instead of feeling stuck here at home! Hey, also means I will have to be wary about drinking.... so could be even a better thing for me! Lol, I may even buy a tent to go on all these little holidays I fancy taking at a moments notice. Well hope you all are well and having prosperous lives..... (Comment on this)
Monday, August 2nd, 2004
8:53 pm	Looks like the jury has made their decision! Ok! Well after a near hectic week last week. It looks like the jury (ummmm the guy I mentioned in my last post!) has made a decision... well for the time being at least! Lol Basically we saw each other on Friday night and we are now planning on meeting up again sometime in the next few days! ;-) He is so cute in a sexy kind of way.... and I think he is a really nice person (well I have been friends with him for just over a year!). But as for long term... There are a few reasons why it will never develop into a full blown relationship. 1. He is moving away in the next few months 2. He is 21 and moving away with his parents 3. He will probably never will have any long lasting feelings for me But then how do I feel about all this? 1. I am going to have to let him go. I know I will miss him as a friend and not just as a lover. 2. I never really have been a person who fancied younger men, or wanted to have a relationship with one. Ok, I have seen the odd one or two, but I have been realistic. The problem with this, is that we were friends for a long time first... and it took me a long time to admit that I fancied him to myself, let alone tell him! God, I thought he would laugh at me! Plus if I had said anything to anyone at work that I fancied him, it would have been around the store extremely quickly. I know this is the case now... as I got drunk nearly a fortnight ago.. and drunkingly told a work colleague about us. A few days later, it was completely around the shop... and because he was having a weeks holiday for his 21st birthday, I had to tell him via electronic means... Mainly the Internet or mobile! I really thought he was going to call it quits.... I would have been hurt.. (god it killed me just wondering what his decision was going to be) but I would have understood. Anyway, a few of the kids think it's funny because of the 11 year age gap and some are not that bothered and say it's nothing to do with them. At the end of the day though... I really don't give a f**k what they think and I hope he thinks and feels that way too! I just know he is shy and hates the rumours. Surely it would be better just admitting it to people at work though? That way they can't laugh and things will move on and we can all just wait for the next poor victim and the rumours. At the end of the day, this is all a bit of fun.... and we may as well enjoy it whilst it lasts. However, I already know I am fond of him. But that isn't suprising when we have got on since day one, over a year ago. Have I got it bad? Lol (Comment on this)
Friday, July 30th, 2004
12:11 am	Will I ever learn? Yeah sure, like right? Basically Natterjack is Little Miss Naughty and been caught red handed in the fire and her fingers are very much burnt! But it was so much fun! ;-) Lol, I turned a mate the other day and I said I was an angel... and then he politely reminded me that my halo had been up in the clouds, but it has now fallen between my knees...... The jury is still out! Hehe! At the end of the day I am not married and what I do in my private life is no other persons business other than my own and any other person involved. As long as no one gets hurt.... and my halo fell, all because some person who has a secret of their own cannot keep their mouth shut! Thus causing hurt and upset! Of course it all looks like it is over now! But that's for another jury to decide! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 6th, 2004
12:19 am	Dumped Hi Guys, Sorry it's been so long that I have written in here. I just haven't really felt like it. As I said, I got dumped! Oh well, I'm staying positive :-) Having a little fun anyway and trying to get out more. I also lost most of my Internet favourites due to a full system restore, so only just got back this account details and mates (devil_mj) link back. :-) Keep your chin up mate.. I miss you and know your'e a lovely lad, like many other people do too. So take no notice of horrible messages, which I have read on your site. By the way, glad you and Rick are happy.. hope to catch up with you both and the rest of the crowd later this year ;-) (Comment on this)
Thursday, May 20th, 2004
8:32 pm	What has love got to do with anything? What has love got to do with anything? Well really? Come on... I need to know! Basically I am falling in love with a guy that I only see once or twice a week and lives in another town.. whom is about to move further away and is then going on a 3 and a half month holiday to Australia, New Zealand & Bali.. and I am not going to stop him! Well, I've only been dating him for nearly 3 months as it is! But I do care.. I shall miss him, lol.. I miss him now, when I haven't seen him for a week. But that's a little different. I mean, we have managed to speak on the phone nearly every day. I know how I feel about him and I am pretty certain I know how I will feel about him in the future.. if we carry on the way we are going.. Yes guys, I will love him. But what's the point if he doesn't feel the same about me.........ever! I suppose I may have learned a few lessons. But I will still end up with a broken heart again. Perhaps this is why a part of me wants to run a way from him and end the relationship now........... but yet I can't do it! All because I believe in him and me.. and being with him makes me so happy! He has this ability to provide in me.. a release for all aspects to my nature! The good and the bad.. yet that makes it so good! He asked me a few weeks ago how I saw my life in 10 years time? How can I of all people answer that question. All I know is, is that I don't want to be living in Kiddy or with my parents by then. I'd quite like to move out now.. but that's not so easy! I suppose I would like to share mine and his life together with him one day.. if all worked out.. But am I really the sort of person to ask him or tell him that is how I feel. I don't think so! I am more the sort of person that is traditional and would like him to ask me.. one day! But perhaps not until next year.. if we are still together.. but lets just keep our fingers crossed there.. shall we? Lol So, what else would I like? Ummmm, well he has this little business idea going on with someone close to him.. and well, I can quite see how I could be useful in that industry. Mainly because of my clerical and admin skills, my retail experience and finally the things I have learned over the past few years about PC's! I'm not one for blowing my own trumpet normally.. but when I know there is something that I am good at... I don't normally mince my words. So for love.. would I risk everything.. if I could get what I dreamed of.. all for the man that in time I believe I will love? Well the truthful answer to that is.. if there is shared love.. well the answer is - YES! So basically, love has got everything to do with it! Natterjack (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 19th, 2004
11:40 pm	Welcome All! Hi guys, Wow, another diary for me to write into! I think I had better explain myself. The purpose of this dairy, is for me to be able to write my inner most thoughts, without worrying about what my boyfriend will think. Even though I think he is quite aware, I just have not got round to telling him as much. But for now, I shall leave it there. For one, Sex and the city is on tv and two, I have work in the morning! Take care all.... Natterjack (Comment on this)